Curating the internet

So in an attempt to capture some of the great things I read online I thought I’d start curating a list of articles, blog posts and videos that appeal to me:

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A look back at the past 6 months

Well this is mostly going to focus on the “believe” aspect of my life… the past six months have been quite up and down. In May I was feeling quite depressed, I don’t know why. It was my birthday in May and I remember almost bursting into tears on my birthday because my friends, family and work colleagues were wishing me happy birthday (as nice, normal people who care about me would) and I just felt awful – I didn’t want the attention, I didn’t want to pretend to be happy and gracious in accepting their well wishes. I think it was certainly related to the overwhelming thought in my mind “another year, still single” and I hate hate hate being that person that can’t be happy within themselves.

Love-life wise it’s been an eventful year. I had a couple of short-term non-serious flings, neither of which eventuated to anything (and I wasn’t expecting them to so that was fine). I went on a bunch of Tinder dates, which were fine (it’s equally as seedy and dodgy as you’d think and nice and normal, just another way to meet people). I think I like online dating because when you meet the person you already know they are interested in you. Of course that can change when you meet in person, but at least there is some level of certainty. I am terrible with the ‘does he like me?’ angst so it’s nice to avoid it altogether.

In July I met B via an online dating site (one of the more “serious” ones). He is cute and funny, caring, generous, forgetful, has terrible written grammar and is super busy. We have seen each other about six or seven times since then and I like him a lot. When we’re together he is very familiar and couple-y (if that’s a word?) and everything seemed great. I let myself entertain the thought that perhaps this was it – I had finally met someone I really liked and could foresee a relationship with. I actually resisted the thought for a long time, and when I did admit to my friends that I really liked him their reactions were all along the lines of “finally you’re getting excited about a boy!” which is telling in itself. I guess its a self preservation thing.

Anyway, I was contemplating having a conversation with B about whether he wanted to be exclusive. Of course there never seems to be a right time to bring up that particular topic of conversation. Also, I knew I had to be prepared for either answer, and I wasn’t quite there yet. Last week he stayed over at my place and I inadvertently saw a text message pop up on his phone (he wasn’t in the room). In the interests of privacy I won’t mention the girl’s name, but it was saved as “name – Tinder”. Whomp whomp whomp. Being the type to avoid confrontation at all costs I said nothing and I still haven’t. I told myself maybe she was texting him out of the blue and they hadn’t spoken in months. Maybe they’re just friends. Maybe he’s also sleeping with her and I’m just his Thursday night girl?

Then I took the craziness to extreme levels and downloaded Tinder (I had previously closed my account) and swiped right (and the occassional left) until I found him. And he was last online 18 minutes previously. Fuck.

And of course he has potentially seen me on Tinder so this is now a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Why does it all have to be so hard and complicated? What happened to boy meets girl, they like each other, they live happily ever after?

The interesting thing is I don’t know that I would have swiped left for his Tinder profile – it’s quite different to his other online dating profile although there’s nothing new on it that I haven’t since learned about him. He’s probably not the guy I would have put on paper as the right one for me, but my list was pretty non-existent anyway. So that doesn’t bother me in the least.

Anyway, I have since spent a lot of time having imaginary conversations with a variety of outcomes in my head, trying to work out how I would react to them. There were lots of tears and general feelings of crappiness. Whilst all this is going on of course B has no idea. As far as he’s concerned things are as we left them last week. We have since had a few texts back and forth and have arranged to see each other next week (combination of a busy two weeks and being away this weekend). And I think I have made my peace with the outcome if it doesn’t go my way, so I’ll be having the conversation next time I see him.

And beyond that, another big part of my life is in upheaval. My work is restructuring and whilst this is not new news, things are starting to get real, real fast. New position descriptions have been released, and applications will open soon. Everyone will have to apply for a new job (which might be very similar to their old job, but nothing is guaranteed). I’m not overly concerned about me not getting a job, but it will be in a new team with new people, new leadership etc. Nothing will be the same. Even our office space will no longer exist in 12 months time. It’s equally exciting and stressful, with the potential for a new exciting role, or a promotion, or new projects but of course with that comes uncertainty, starting over and re-establishing my comfort zone.

I can’t help but think that it would be that much easier to go through this restructure if I wasn’t single and having to pay the mortgage and the bills entirely on my own, not to mention the moral support. Who knows, maybe by the time the applications open I won’t be single anymore…but maybe I will be…

A quick update

Hmm it’s been a while! Not quite sure why I got out of the habit of updating this blog but a lot has happened over the past six months. Here it is in a nutshell:

  • Move: I’ve been exercising consistently, gotten really into cycling, I swim on a weekly basis with a friend and squeeze in a run where I can. I suppose I can always do more, but I’m feeling pretty good about my routine, it doesn’t feel like a chore or something I can’t sustain, and I feel fit and strong. Winning!
  • Nourish: this is a bit of a yo-yo area, I eat healthily for the main part but have my days of bingeing on all the stuff that I shouldn’t. I’m focusing on eating home-cooked, unprocessed foot and it’s mainly the snacks that are my undoing (chips and chocolate anyone?). I’m debating whether to sign up for Sarah Wilson’s I Quit Sugar 8 week program starting in a few weeks but I’m not convinced I’ll be committed enough to justify the money. I signed up for the sample and it was great – very organised with all the meal plans, the shopping list divided into categories and the recipes to print in one PDF document.
  • Believe: hmm this is probably the area I’m struggling the most in. I have a lot going on at the moment and it’s playing havoc with my motivation levels and general everyday attitude. “A lot” includes a restructure at work (I will have to apply for a new job in the next few weeks) and love-life angst (of course!).

So that’s it for the quick update.

So it’s been a while since I posted – I’ve been busy busy busy (who isn’t though?).

What have I been up to? Fun things like sourcing quotes for home repairs – roof repairs, re-levelling…basically all the things that cost a lot of money but you don’t even notice 😦 However the peace of mind knowing your house isn’t about to fall down or sustain water damage is priceless!

Move: I’ve been exercising like a demon – I realised I need to get my butt into gear if I want to do the 10km Run Melbourne in July without walking and in under an hour. So I’ve been using my 5K Runner app, and as soon as I get to the end of the program I’ll get the 10K Runner version. Sadly I’m nowhere near the end of the program at the moment, but it’s early days!

I’ve also been going to Body Pump classes and doing some big rides fairly regularly. I’ve noticed a pattern – I’m super-disciplined for a week, and then I’ll get really lazy the next week. So I’ll be working on breaking that habit! It’s mind over matter 🙂

Nourish: I do best when I’m tracking my calories, so after a 3 week break I’ve started up again. It really keeps me honest, and also forces me to eat homemade food as much as possible, as restaurant/cafe food is laden with calories, the portions are too big, and you don’t quite know exactly what is in the meal. That being said, I’ve had a couple of chocolate blowouts…but on the whole I think I’ve been doing well, and I’m doing plenty of exercise to make up for the chocolate!

Believe: hmm haven’t given this much thought lately – it’s definitely the one that falls off the priority list.

On the subject of men, I have joined the scores of single people out there and signed up for Tinder. It’s been a good experience so far, the usual mix of nice normal people and guys just looking for fun. I’ve been chatting to two guys (annoyingly both are called Andrew!) for a couple of days who seem nice and normal, so we’ll see what happens.

I’m looking forward to the weekend – a big bike ride and catching up with friends.

An update

So I had a fairly good weekend. My mom came to stay and we tackled my back garden which was pretty much a weed jungle. It’s looking much better now! In between that we caught up on a week’s worth of The Block episodes, and caught up with my brother and his girlfriend for lunch. Saturday night I met up with a couple of friends for dinner.

A couple of things happened Saturday which I’m still thinking about.

First, I got a text from February Not So Fun Guy – out of the blue, saying something along the lines of being back in Melbourne (I have no idea where he had gone)…movie? I just don’t get this guy. He can’t pick up the phone, he obviously doesn’t understand basic communication skills, specifically the part where I said I wasn’t interested anymore. Anyway, I have deleted the message. But not before I told my friends about it on Saturday night, and they spent at least 20 minutes telling me to stop wasting my time with him etc etc. Not exactly ground-breaking advice, especially since I have already told him to take a hike, and I wasn’t going to reply. I guess I just wasn’t in the mood for their advice?

Anyway, the conversation of course continued along the topic of relationships, dating etc. One friend is also single, the other recently married her boyfriend/fiance/husband of six years. The single friend declared that it was not normal for single guys to have never had one or two girlfriends in the past – that if this was the case there was clearly something wrong with them. My defenses immediately went up. I am chronically single – whilst I have dated on and off, nothing has lasted beyond 6 weeks, and I have never called any of these guys my boyfriend. I have had one boyfriend in my life, when I was 23 and it lasted about a year. So I asked my friend how she defined “boyfriend/girlfriend” in this context. Her definition was someone you see at least twice a week and would refer to as your boyfriend/girlfriend. So I said that by her definition I have only ever had one boyfriend . She did a massive backpedal and explained her opinion only related to men having girlfriends, not the other way around. Which makes even less sense to me – I think single men get way less judgement for being single – carefree bachelors sowing their wild oats and all that, which single women get the constant “why are you single” and “don’t leave it too long to have children” judgements piled upon them.

So that’s what is going on in my head at the moment…

Blah

I’m having a really blah week. I’m trying to work out why…sometimes I think I can’t be ‘on’ all the time – for every day that I eat right, exercise, think positive thoughts etc I will have a day that I eat crap, sit on the couch and think daggers about the world. Today is one of those days. I was (still am?) in a foul mood today, and I don’t know why. It’s a vicious circle, because the worse my mood, the less inclined I am to do things that will make me feel better, so the worse I feel.

Today I’m feeling irritable, lonely, sad and pissed off with the world. Nothing specific happened to make me feel that way. If I have to pinpoint something, I am feeling very single at the moment. I wonder what is wrong with me. How has everyone else got it figured out and I haven’t? Just before the new year I bought an e-book called There is No Prince And Other Truths Your Mother Never Told You: A Guide to Having the Relationship You Want. I was reading it last week and the more I read it, the more annoyed and sad I became. I didn’t identify with any of the scenarios in the book. I should have known that a book title with that many capitalised words in it was bullshit. Maybe it has helped some people, but the scene from Sex and the City comes to mind, where Charlotte is attending a seminar on this very topic (before she meets Harry) and Carrie goes with her. Charlotte has been saying her affirmations every day and stil hasn’t met her true love. The woman teaching the seminar says “perhaps you’re not putting yourself out there – I mean, really out there” as the explanation. What The Fuck??? So the situation doesn’t change, but Charlotte just feels worse. That’s how I feel right now. I am doing the online dating thing, I am meeting guys face-to-face. They are nice people, but for the most part I don’t click with them. When is it my turn????????

This is where I’m going in my head at the moment – the common denominator in all the failed ‘relationships’ I’ve had  – is me. (I wouldn’t really call the majority of them relationships, but when you’re dating someone for 5-6 weeks, and you’re sleeping with them, what else do you call it?) I am the common denominator.

I tell people I don’t think I want children. And it’s true. It’s not something that I yearn for, or assume is in my future. But I kind of feel like the decision has been made for me, regardless of what I want.

So what do I want? I always tell my friend that I know what I don’t want. She tells me I need to articulate what I do want, because the universe doesn’t hear the “want/don’t want” part, it just brings you what you think about. So, here goes:

I want to be in a loving, committed relationship (with a man I assume, but since I’ve never been with a woman I couldn’t say for sure). I want to experience the feeling of being in love with someone who is in love with me. I want a man who is intelligent, confident, sporty and successful. I want a man who loves cats and dogs and who can fix things around the house when they inevitably break. I want a man who will get along with my family. I want a man I can have fantastic sex with. I want a man who will bring out the best in me, who will inspire me to live my best life – to eat well, be active and love myself. I want a man who is a good deal taller than me so I can wear high heels and so I have to stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. I want a man who is humble, can fix cars, has excellent grammar and can cook a couple of decent meals.

Is that too much to ask?

A busy few weeks

So time flies! I’ve been busy busy busy (aren’t we all?) with no time to post.

What has happened in the past two weeks?

  • I bought a road bike (not new, but new to me) – a joy to ride!
  • I completed FebFast with moderate success
  • I have had two dates with a new guy I met on eHarmony. So far so good, although he is a bit shy…
  • I danced the night away at a fundraising dinner
  • I had a body fat percentage test done which was very interesting!
  • I learned some basic bike maintenance including how to change the rube without using tyre levers, and how to get the back wheel in and out easily
  • I went to Sydney for four days to complete a property renovation course and caught up with a friend
  • I got lots done at work
  • Two body pump classes, lots of cycling and also squeezed in some swimming

What hasn’t happened?

  • Any form of housework – there is dirty laundry to wash, clean laundry to put away, nothing is in the right place…you get the picture
  • Sleep – I really need to work on getting to bed earlier!

Ok that’s it for a quick update. On that note, I’m going home for an early night.