Well this is mostly going to focus on the “believe” aspect of my life… the past six months have been quite up and down. In May I was feeling quite depressed, I don’t know why. It was my birthday in May and I remember almost bursting into tears on my birthday because my friends, family and work colleagues were wishing me happy birthday (as nice, normal people who care about me would) and I just felt awful – I didn’t want the attention, I didn’t want to pretend to be happy and gracious in accepting their well wishes. I think it was certainly related to the overwhelming thought in my mind “another year, still single” and I hate hate hate being that person that can’t be happy within themselves.
Love-life wise it’s been an eventful year. I had a couple of short-term non-serious flings, neither of which eventuated to anything (and I wasn’t expecting them to so that was fine). I went on a bunch of Tinder dates, which were fine (it’s equally as seedy and dodgy as you’d think and nice and normal, just another way to meet people). I think I like online dating because when you meet the person you already know they are interested in you. Of course that can change when you meet in person, but at least there is some level of certainty. I am terrible with the ‘does he like me?’ angst so it’s nice to avoid it altogether.
In July I met B via an online dating site (one of the more “serious” ones). He is cute and funny, caring, generous, forgetful, has terrible written grammar and is super busy. We have seen each other about six or seven times since then and I like him a lot. When we’re together he is very familiar and couple-y (if that’s a word?) and everything seemed great. I let myself entertain the thought that perhaps this was it – I had finally met someone I really liked and could foresee a relationship with. I actually resisted the thought for a long time, and when I did admit to my friends that I really liked him their reactions were all along the lines of “finally you’re getting excited about a boy!” which is telling in itself. I guess its a self preservation thing.
Anyway, I was contemplating having a conversation with B about whether he wanted to be exclusive. Of course there never seems to be a right time to bring up that particular topic of conversation. Also, I knew I had to be prepared for either answer, and I wasn’t quite there yet. Last week he stayed over at my place and I inadvertently saw a text message pop up on his phone (he wasn’t in the room). In the interests of privacy I won’t mention the girl’s name, but it was saved as “name – Tinder”. Whomp whomp whomp. Being the type to avoid confrontation at all costs I said nothing and I still haven’t. I told myself maybe she was texting him out of the blue and they hadn’t spoken in months. Maybe they’re just friends. Maybe he’s also sleeping with her and I’m just his Thursday night girl?
Then I took the craziness to extreme levels and downloaded Tinder (I had previously closed my account) and swiped right (and the occassional left) until I found him. And he was last online 18 minutes previously. Fuck.
And of course he has potentially seen me on Tinder so this is now a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Why does it all have to be so hard and complicated? What happened to boy meets girl, they like each other, they live happily ever after?
The interesting thing is I don’t know that I would have swiped left for his Tinder profile – it’s quite different to his other online dating profile although there’s nothing new on it that I haven’t since learned about him. He’s probably not the guy I would have put on paper as the right one for me, but my list was pretty non-existent anyway. So that doesn’t bother me in the least.
Anyway, I have since spent a lot of time having imaginary conversations with a variety of outcomes in my head, trying to work out how I would react to them. There were lots of tears and general feelings of crappiness. Whilst all this is going on of course B has no idea. As far as he’s concerned things are as we left them last week. We have since had a few texts back and forth and have arranged to see each other next week (combination of a busy two weeks and being away this weekend). And I think I have made my peace with the outcome if it doesn’t go my way, so I’ll be having the conversation next time I see him.
And beyond that, another big part of my life is in upheaval. My work is restructuring and whilst this is not new news, things are starting to get real, real fast. New position descriptions have been released, and applications will open soon. Everyone will have to apply for a new job (which might be very similar to their old job, but nothing is guaranteed). I’m not overly concerned about me not getting a job, but it will be in a new team with new people, new leadership etc. Nothing will be the same. Even our office space will no longer exist in 12 months time. It’s equally exciting and stressful, with the potential for a new exciting role, or a promotion, or new projects but of course with that comes uncertainty, starting over and re-establishing my comfort zone.
I can’t help but think that it would be that much easier to go through this restructure if I wasn’t single and having to pay the mortgage and the bills entirely on my own, not to mention the moral support. Who knows, maybe by the time the applications open I won’t be single anymore…but maybe I will be…