Blah

I’m having a really blah week. I’m trying to work out why…sometimes I think I can’t be ‘on’ all the time – for every day that I eat right, exercise, think positive thoughts etc I will have a day that I eat crap, sit on the couch and think daggers about the world. Today is one of those days. I was (still am?) in a foul mood today, and I don’t know why. It’s a vicious circle, because the worse my mood, the less inclined I am to do things that will make me feel better, so the worse I feel.

Today I’m feeling irritable, lonely, sad and pissed off with the world. Nothing specific happened to make me feel that way. If I have to pinpoint something, I am feeling very single at the moment. I wonder what is wrong with me. How has everyone else got it figured out and I haven’t? Just before the new year I bought an e-book called There is No Prince And Other Truths Your Mother Never Told You: A Guide to Having the Relationship You Want. I was reading it last week and the more I read it, the more annoyed and sad I became. I didn’t identify with any of the scenarios in the book. I should have known that a book title with that many capitalised words in it was bullshit. Maybe it has helped some people, but the scene from Sex and the City comes to mind, where Charlotte is attending a seminar on this very topic (before she meets Harry) and Carrie goes with her. Charlotte has been saying her affirmations every day and stil hasn’t met her true love. The woman teaching the seminar says “perhaps you’re not putting yourself out there – I mean, really out there” as the explanation. What The Fuck??? So the situation doesn’t change, but Charlotte just feels worse. That’s how I feel right now. I am doing the online dating thing, I am meeting guys face-to-face. They are nice people, but for the most part I don’t click with them. When is it my turn????????

This is where I’m going in my head at the moment – the common denominator in all the failed ‘relationships’ I’ve had  – is me. (I wouldn’t really call the majority of them relationships, but when you’re dating someone for 5-6 weeks, and you’re sleeping with them, what else do you call it?) I am the common denominator.

I tell people I don’t think I want children. And it’s true. It’s not something that I yearn for, or assume is in my future. But I kind of feel like the decision has been made for me, regardless of what I want.

So what do I want? I always tell my friend that I know what I don’t want. She tells me I need to articulate what I do want, because the universe doesn’t hear the “want/don’t want” part, it just brings you what you think about. So, here goes:

I want to be in a loving, committed relationship (with a man I assume, but since I’ve never been with a woman I couldn’t say for sure). I want to experience the feeling of being in love with someone who is in love with me. I want a man who is intelligent, confident, sporty and successful. I want a man who loves cats and dogs and who can fix things around the house when they inevitably break. I want a man who will get along with my family. I want a man I can have fantastic sex with. I want a man who will bring out the best in me, who will inspire me to live my best life – to eat well, be active and love myself. I want a man who is a good deal taller than me so I can wear high heels and so I have to stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. I want a man who is humble, can fix cars, has excellent grammar and can cook a couple of decent meals.

Is that too much to ask?

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A great week

So far it’s been a great week – busy, tiring but I feel like I’m in a great place. I think I’m going to try using Lorna Jane’s “Move Nourish Believe” framework for my posts, I love the philosophy and I think it’s a great way to maintain balance and not spend too much time/mental energy focusing on one aspect to the detriment of others.

MOVE

It’s been a good week of consistent exercise – I’ve done more so far this week than I have in a long time! I’ve also sneakily combined my social life with my exercise goals which means I get to catch up with friends and we both get the benefit of the exercise at the same time! #winning

I’ve done a 45m spin class, swam 1.4km in 60 mins and lastly did a 60m Body Pump Class. I used to be a regular swimmer in my late primary school/early high school days, but sadly have not really swum laps regularly in a long time. My goal was to do 1km in an hour so I’m stoked I smashed it! Plus I’ve been trying to extend the distance I can swim underwater in one breath, and finally made it to the whole length of the 25m pool – not once, but twice! This is , something I used to be able to do very easily so I’m stoked I could do it again!

I haven’t been to a Body Pump class in about 6 months so I struggled last night. I’ve never been good at squats or lunges, and even though I can cycle 60km with my eyes closed (err…not literally!) I can feel the burn after 5 squats, and you know Body Pump has about 20 times that amount! Today I’m feeling sore, although not excessively. I actually really enjoy the class, so I’ll keep going. I remember my first spin class I couldn’t stand up and pedal for more than 10 seconds at a time, and now I can do 90RPM standing up no problem, so there is definitely hope! And what an amazing sense of accomplishment when you achieve those sorts of goals.

And finally, today I am determined to do my 12WBT fitness test – only about 2 weeks late, but I guess better late than never.

NOURISH

I’ve been eating well all week, a couple of occasions I’ve gone a bit over my calorie budget but when I subtract the calories I’ve burned through exercise I am still way ahead. Learned that avocados have a lot of calories. Good to know, although I won’t be avoiding them just for that reason!

So glad I made a big batch of the Brown Rice Salad on Sunday, I’m having it for lunch every day, and I’m loving it (obviously I won’t have it again next week). Typical snacks this week include hard-boiled eggs, rice cake with cottage cheese and  a nectarine.

I’ve eaten out a couple of times this week, it’s obviously much harder to control the calories and portion sizes, but I’ve tried to make sensible decisions, and enjoy my food regardless. I don’t always eat out that many times in a week so there will be peaks and troughs.

I’ve been keeping track of my calories, which sounds super anal, but is actually quite quick and easy with the Australian Carlorie Counter – Easy Diet Diary App. I only wish it would sync between devices so I could also use it on my iPad, but hey, you can’t have it all!

BELIEVE

I signed up for Gina DeVee‘s Divine Living emails and watched the first video – I am not sure I am quite ready to be receptive to her messages yet, it’s all a bit too spiritual for me. A friend of mine just loves her and I want to give it a good shot – and I’ll never be receptive if I don’t pay attention to what Gina is talking about. I think what I’m resisting is that it’s all very vague, and she talks about changing your mindset/thinking, and then everything will change. I guess I’m more of a pragmatist – I need the step-by-step instructions and tangible tasks to do rather than “think differently”, but I’m willing to learn.

Speaking of changing mindset -my 25m underwater swim was less about my physical capabilities (or what I thought they were) and more about my mindset – the minute I question my ability, I won’t do it. But if I say to myself “keep going, you can do it”, or I don’t even consider failure as an option, I push yourself that little bit harder and in the end I accomplish my goal. Hmm, maybe Gina’s on to something after all!

I’ve been thinking about learning to meditate for a while now. It’s something I’ve never been able to do, and it has come up in conversation with friends and in other contexts quite a lot lately. So this week I downloaded a bunch of free meditation apps, and tried one 7 minute meditation (more-so meant for a quick work break during the day) before I went to bed. It was ok…I just need to keep practicing I think, I feel like it’s one of things that takes time and practice to master, but when you do, it’s fantastic (or so I’ve been told).

I had a date with a guy from e-Harmony, it went well enough. He was very easy to talk to and I enjoyed myself. I don’t want to sound like I’m not interested, but I’m taking all the drama out of dating this year. If I never hear from him again, that’s fine – it’s hard to tell how you feel about someone after a first date (unless of course you can’t stand them from the start). I need to work on my list – what qualities do I really want, before I get too hung up on whether someone else wants to see me again or not.

So all in all, a great week! Looking forward to the weekend, although there won’t be any sleep-in’s for me!

A busy week of socialising

In addition to my busy week of exercising, I now have a busy week of socialising. When it comes to my social life, it’s either pretty quiet or insanely hectic! Tomorrow I have a date – a quick drink – and then dinner with a friend. Thursday I’m combining exercise with socialising by going to body pump with a friend, and we’ll have dinner after. Friday night, February Not So Fun guy is coming over. No expectations, we’ll just see what happens. I guess I need to see if I’m still attracted to him, because since the drama of last week I have definitely not been in that kind of mood!

I didn’t do my 12WBT fitness test last night – the spin class was insanely challenging and I felt exhausted just walking up the stairs at the gym!

And of course, my socialising tomorrow night puts a stop to my exercise plans for Wednesday. However – before anyone gets all self righteous on me, I calculated that I will probably take about 4 hours to do the 100km Ballarat Cycle Classic on Sunday, which is a hell of a lot of exercise, and I think that certainly covers what I would have done tomorrow. When I checked Facebook this morning after a late start, I discovered the friend I am riding with had covered a cool 54km this morning before I even got up!! How’s that for inspiration!

Food-wise I’m fighting the sugar cravings – so far the willpower is winning. I love eating healthily but at the back of my mind is that compulsion to gorge myself on chips or chocolate. Hopefully it’s just a habit that needs breaking. It’s only 11 days into FebFast, I still have 17 to go!

Other goals for this week include getting into a healthy routine of going to bed early and getting up early…

Feeling productive

So despite my lack of fun last night, February has so far been a good month:

  • I signed up for FebFast and I chose no alcohol and no sugar (well – you’re allowed about 5 teaspoons per day, which is not a lot) – after a rocky start I’ve been good all week. And I’ve raised $290 so far, with a goal of $400.
  • I decluttered some stuff in my room
  • I put together a gift for a friend that I should have given to her back in December
  • I started Michelle Bridges 12WBT as a way to keep motivated in my healthy eating and regular exercise goals – it’s taking me longer than I thought to get in the right head space, and I still haven’t had a chance to do my fitness test, so that is on the to-do list for Saturday or Sunday. I was also meant to be working out 6 days per week but so far have only managed 1 out of 5 days. However I have a 75km bike ride planned for tomorrow which will go a long way towards making up for my slothfulness. I have been busy after work every day and I’m still working on being a morning person, so that’s my excuse. When I think about all the waiting around last night I am even more pissed off, as it was a missed gym opportunity. A lesson for me – I should prioritise my health over pleasure, especially when I am depending on someone else for the pleasure.
  • I picked up a new Ceres Fair Food mixed fruit and veg box last night so I’m stocked up on fresh, locally sources and organic produce – I’m aiming to spend Sunday cooking meals for the week ahead, and exploring new recipes. I forgot to take photos, but I’ve included some from previous weeks. In this week’s box was bananas, grapes, white nectarines, Valencia oranges, carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, mixed lettuce, green beans, beetroot, zucchini, kale and sweetcorn, as well as a dozen free range eggs. A small box lasts me a fortnight and it’s fantastic quality and excellent value.

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“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”
― Michael Pollan, In Defense of Food