Blah

I’m having a really blah week. I’m trying to work out why…sometimes I think I can’t be ‘on’ all the time – for every day that I eat right, exercise, think positive thoughts etc I will have a day that I eat crap, sit on the couch and think daggers about the world. Today is one of those days. I was (still am?) in a foul mood today, and I don’t know why. It’s a vicious circle, because the worse my mood, the less inclined I am to do things that will make me feel better, so the worse I feel.

Today I’m feeling irritable, lonely, sad and pissed off with the world. Nothing specific happened to make me feel that way. If I have to pinpoint something, I am feeling very single at the moment. I wonder what is wrong with me. How has everyone else got it figured out and I haven’t? Just before the new year I bought an e-book called There is No Prince And Other Truths Your Mother Never Told You: A Guide to Having the Relationship You Want. I was reading it last week and the more I read it, the more annoyed and sad I became. I didn’t identify with any of the scenarios in the book. I should have known that a book title with that many capitalised words in it was bullshit. Maybe it has helped some people, but the scene from Sex and the City comes to mind, where Charlotte is attending a seminar on this very topic (before she meets Harry) and Carrie goes with her. Charlotte has been saying her affirmations every day and stil hasn’t met her true love. The woman teaching the seminar says “perhaps you’re not putting yourself out there – I mean, really out there” as the explanation. What The Fuck??? So the situation doesn’t change, but Charlotte just feels worse. That’s how I feel right now. I am doing the online dating thing, I am meeting guys face-to-face. They are nice people, but for the most part I don’t click with them. When is it my turn????????

This is where I’m going in my head at the moment – the common denominator in all the failed ‘relationships’ I’ve had  – is me. (I wouldn’t really call the majority of them relationships, but when you’re dating someone for 5-6 weeks, and you’re sleeping with them, what else do you call it?) I am the common denominator.

I tell people I don’t think I want children. And it’s true. It’s not something that I yearn for, or assume is in my future. But I kind of feel like the decision has been made for me, regardless of what I want.

So what do I want? I always tell my friend that I know what I don’t want. She tells me I need to articulate what I do want, because the universe doesn’t hear the “want/don’t want” part, it just brings you what you think about. So, here goes:

I want to be in a loving, committed relationship (with a man I assume, but since I’ve never been with a woman I couldn’t say for sure). I want to experience the feeling of being in love with someone who is in love with me. I want a man who is intelligent, confident, sporty and successful. I want a man who loves cats and dogs and who can fix things around the house when they inevitably break. I want a man who will get along with my family. I want a man I can have fantastic sex with. I want a man who will bring out the best in me, who will inspire me to live my best life – to eat well, be active and love myself. I want a man who is a good deal taller than me so I can wear high heels and so I have to stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. I want a man who is humble, can fix cars, has excellent grammar and can cook a couple of decent meals.

Is that too much to ask?

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Valentine Fail

Friday 14 February. St Valentine’s Day. A day of romance, love and fun…but not for me. Mine was quite the opposite unfortunately. 

During the week I heard from February Not So Fun guy, who was keen for a second chance. I figured his meltdown was a once-off, and that a second chance was worth it. It happened that the only evening we were both free was Friday night. And for once in my life I had Valentine’s plans! Not that I was really associating him coming over with V-Day, but it was a fleeting thought. 

When we first agreed on Friday, he said he could come over around 6pm, on his way home from the airport. I said that was probably too early, as I wouldn’t be home yet, but he could always call when he left the airport and I’d see where I was. Truth be told, I was planning on going to the gym, and that was a priority for me (I was feeling the sting of waiting for him last time when I could have been doing things that were important to me). Anyway, long story short, eventually we settled on 8:30pm. I never did get to the gym, as I stayed late at work, and so of course it was a mad rush home to shower, tidy up etc. 

At 9pm he still hadn’t arrived. At one point I tried calling him but it went straight to voicemail. By 10pm I’d given up and started cooking a couple of meals for the week ahead (I was going to be away for the weekend so Friday night was my only opportunity). 

And then – finally – he texts! At 10:30pm. Now what do you think this text said? An apology with an excuse? Maybe he had gotten into a horrible car accident on his way over. Maybe he had a migraine. Perhaps he had a family emergency. But no. There was no apology, no explanation and no shame. The text said “See you in fifteen?”

WHAT??????? Seriously. What. The. Fuck???

I’m just sorry I didn’t reply with that exact reaction. My response was nevertheless just as negative. I said no – I had been waiting, and I’d given up, and now I was busy. And it took him 50 minutes to respond, saying “Fuck. I’m a fool.” Never a truer word has been spoken.

The old saying springs to mind: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” And thus concludes my foray into casual sex. Epic fail. It was supposed to be fun and ego-boosting and instead turned into a massive waste of time and energy. Thank God I didn’t like him (in “that way”) on top of it all, otherwise I’d be nursing a broken heart too. 

On a more positive note, I have a date lined up for this Friday – a first date with a guy I connected with on eHarmony. We’ve talked on the phone a few times and so far so good. 

I’m not really that upset about the whole situation, more so bemused and puzzled. I keep thinking someone’s playing a joke on me – perhaps for past wrongs? I can’t think who I’ve wronged that badly, but at this stage it seems to be the only valid explanation for his odd behaviour.

A busy week of socialising

In addition to my busy week of exercising, I now have a busy week of socialising. When it comes to my social life, it’s either pretty quiet or insanely hectic! Tomorrow I have a date – a quick drink – and then dinner with a friend. Thursday I’m combining exercise with socialising by going to body pump with a friend, and we’ll have dinner after. Friday night, February Not So Fun guy is coming over. No expectations, we’ll just see what happens. I guess I need to see if I’m still attracted to him, because since the drama of last week I have definitely not been in that kind of mood!

I didn’t do my 12WBT fitness test last night – the spin class was insanely challenging and I felt exhausted just walking up the stairs at the gym!

And of course, my socialising tomorrow night puts a stop to my exercise plans for Wednesday. However – before anyone gets all self righteous on me, I calculated that I will probably take about 4 hours to do the 100km Ballarat Cycle Classic on Sunday, which is a hell of a lot of exercise, and I think that certainly covers what I would have done tomorrow. When I checked Facebook this morning after a late start, I discovered the friend I am riding with had covered a cool 54km this morning before I even got up!! How’s that for inspiration!

Food-wise I’m fighting the sugar cravings – so far the willpower is winning. I love eating healthily but at the back of my mind is that compulsion to gorge myself on chips or chocolate. Hopefully it’s just a habit that needs breaking. It’s only 11 days into FebFast, I still have 17 to go!

Other goals for this week include getting into a healthy routine of going to bed early and getting up early…

February not so fun

So, it’s been a busy week. But I have felt very productive so I’m tired but happy. Thank goodness it’s Friday!

I met this guy in December 2013 and we have great chemistry. He’s made it clear he’s not up for anything more than fun. I mulled it over and decided I could do with some fun – yay me! It’s crazy the judgement/non-judgement you get from different people. A guy friend looked very disappointed when I mentioned I had met someone but it was just going to be a casual sex thing. He kept saying “You’re better than that”. Hmm. A girlfriend who is fairly conservative told me to go for it! Can’t win. Mostly I’m just keeping it to myself and I’ll take from it what I can – that I’m a hot, sexy, desirable woman who hasn’t had sex in 7 months, so I need the ego boost and the practice!

Anyway – the news for the week is that he was meant to come over last night for the Big Event. We’ve been texting and skyping and emailing each other about it for weeks (we have also met up in person and enjoyed some fooling around). And…well…anticlimax. As in: he.didn’t.come.over!! All that anticipation and rushing around making sure I had my legs shaved and my house was not a mess all for nothing. And the thing that shits me the most, is that he didn’t call to explain. He texted at one point after I sent a text saying I was going to fall asleep waiting (it was only 8:30pm at this point but I’d been up early and we’d planned for him to come over at 7pm) to say he was stressing out, had built it up too much in his head. I replied saying I was nervous too, but we had great chemistry and he should just come over and we’ll see what happens, no pressure. No reply for two hours. Obviously by that point I had given up – changed into comfy clothes and went to bed. So now what? He texted late last night to say sorry, he had stressed himself out, and promised to make it up (to me, I presume). The thing is – do I want him to? This man is not my future husband, he was just meant to be a bit of fun. And now I am seriously reconsidering my attraction to him. That’s the thing with us girls – attraction is in the mind.

So, I haven’t replied, I will let him stew for a few days. I think I’ll have to do a series of posts on the men I’ve dated and the adventures I’ve had (not saying it’s that many, but I have some stories to tell!)