I’m having a really blah week. I’m trying to work out why…sometimes I think I can’t be ‘on’ all the time – for every day that I eat right, exercise, think positive thoughts etc I will have a day that I eat crap, sit on the couch and think daggers about the world. Today is one of those days. I was (still am?) in a foul mood today, and I don’t know why. It’s a vicious circle, because the worse my mood, the less inclined I am to do things that will make me feel better, so the worse I feel.
Today I’m feeling irritable, lonely, sad and pissed off with the world. Nothing specific happened to make me feel that way. If I have to pinpoint something, I am feeling very single at the moment. I wonder what is wrong with me. How has everyone else got it figured out and I haven’t? Just before the new year I bought an e-book called There is No Prince And Other Truths Your Mother Never Told You: A Guide to Having the Relationship You Want. I was reading it last week and the more I read it, the more annoyed and sad I became. I didn’t identify with any of the scenarios in the book. I should have known that a book title with that many capitalised words in it was bullshit. Maybe it has helped some people, but the scene from Sex and the City comes to mind, where Charlotte is attending a seminar on this very topic (before she meets Harry) and Carrie goes with her. Charlotte has been saying her affirmations every day and stil hasn’t met her true love. The woman teaching the seminar says “perhaps you’re not putting yourself out there – I mean, really out there” as the explanation. What The Fuck??? So the situation doesn’t change, but Charlotte just feels worse. That’s how I feel right now. I am doing the online dating thing, I am meeting guys face-to-face. They are nice people, but for the most part I don’t click with them. When is it my turn????????
This is where I’m going in my head at the moment – the common denominator in all the failed ‘relationships’ I’ve had – is me. (I wouldn’t really call the majority of them relationships, but when you’re dating someone for 5-6 weeks, and you’re sleeping with them, what else do you call it?) I am the common denominator.
I tell people I don’t think I want children. And it’s true. It’s not something that I yearn for, or assume is in my future. But I kind of feel like the decision has been made for me, regardless of what I want.
So what do I want? I always tell my friend that I know what I don’t want. She tells me I need to articulate what I do want, because the universe doesn’t hear the “want/don’t want” part, it just brings you what you think about. So, here goes:
I want to be in a loving, committed relationship (with a man I assume, but since I’ve never been with a woman I couldn’t say for sure). I want to experience the feeling of being in love with someone who is in love with me. I want a man who is intelligent, confident, sporty and successful. I want a man who loves cats and dogs and who can fix things around the house when they inevitably break. I want a man who will get along with my family. I want a man I can have fantastic sex with. I want a man who will bring out the best in me, who will inspire me to live my best life – to eat well, be active and love myself. I want a man who is a good deal taller than me so I can wear high heels and so I have to stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. I want a man who is humble, can fix cars, has excellent grammar and can cook a couple of decent meals.
Is that too much to ask?